Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
TODAY