Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on