I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
You Might Also Like
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now