Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
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I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Fights fire with marshmallows
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic