General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Just this preview of the story is enough
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.