This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
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i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
What
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there