Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My favorite female superhero
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?