I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
sry
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.