Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Worst perfume name ever.