H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
“you changed” bro i was 15
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.