knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.