Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
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My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
#dalle2
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix