why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
definitely did not do anything wrong
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
same energy
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied