I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*