It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
You Might Also Like
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend