Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
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My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Breaking news:
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold