[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
im all 3
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice