Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
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LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??