I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
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I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.