Don’t snitch tag.
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
concern
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
That’s amazing.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.