my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!