A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels