Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
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Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Lmao
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
found this cool rock hiking today