The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room