I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.