Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
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if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.