First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
termite twitter scares me
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick