Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
This line from Airplane.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.