[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.