Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?