HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
this makes me so uncomfortable
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.