the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
same vibe as tangled headphones
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower