cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Perfect
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
#gardening
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash