You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Trumpy Cat
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.