You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
nyc:
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends