[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
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My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
This probably isn’t good
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..