Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry