Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no