I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
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You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.