Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
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i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
This a good idea
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it