I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point