Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch