I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
You Might Also Like
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
💁🏻♂️
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!