WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
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[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
How does one answer this?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I think the cat got the dog high.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.