NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I know this now 😂
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.