If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
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Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I saw this ending much differently.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster