Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*