wtf is a larm clock?
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana