Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Stop it! 😂
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
having children is a pyramid scheme.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.