You Might Also Like
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.